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I guess it makes them feel small or something. She's a really sweet person and I hate to see her so sad. She thinks that she'll never be able to have a serious boyfriend because of her problem. Beth and I thought that if she realized that there were guys who are big enough in the right places and also nice it would help her a lot."I looked at them in amazement "you didn't actually ask her if she wanted to have sex with me, did you?"Paula gave me that "what an idiot" look and said "of course not! Beth and I did have an idea though. We thought that if I had Linda come over we could arrange it so that it could happen if you agree."I leaned back with a sigh before replying "I think it's really nice for you to want to help her but what makes you think you could ever convince a sixteen year old girl to have sex with a twelve year old boy, especially someone with a problem like hers? Besides, I'm not that big"."Easily" Beth said "we'll get her so horny she won't be able to say no, and don't. But enough, I must have my say today. The ‘madness within’ you call it. A dominating, powerful force that you feel drives me to both despair and delight. You derive comfort in any medical diagnosis that supports this theory of yours. And shallow optimism from chemicals designed to ‘correct’ this condition of mine. Madness? Perhaps. Powerful, certainly. But it’s no nameless force, no almighty independent power in itself. It is me. Part of me. All of me. By what right can you claim that a part of me that defines who I am is separate, an illness, a sore to be healed? I know what I feel. I know who I am. Can you say the same? Unlike you I can see where this ends. The waves I ride get higher, deeper and harder to survive. Recovery (your word) is longer each time. The further I go, the harder it is to come back. And why do I, why should I turn back? Because that is what you expect of me? I know there is only one end to this ride, to this life so fraught with intensity. I embrace it. Why.
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